I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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