It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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