Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
