One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
