if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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