she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
