Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just invented taco cereal.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
