I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
