So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You've changed since you got that strap on
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
