I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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