I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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