if only i could text you this smell
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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