I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
