i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
