Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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