The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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