I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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