He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
