Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
