On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
