My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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