Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize