Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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