Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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