no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
