i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
