I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
