Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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