so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
