Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I wish there were birth control emojis
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
