Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
