Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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