Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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