so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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