I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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