They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
