I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize