captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
