She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
