you guys were way drunker than both of me
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize