I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
