Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
