Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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