Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
