there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
