so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
