i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize