I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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