My hand turned me down
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
