i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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