1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We got so high we made milksteak
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize