I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
