I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
