I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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