Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
