Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
