Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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