remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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