dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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