John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
