Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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