My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
