He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
