He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
