umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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