batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
