I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
