Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
