you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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