My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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