I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
